Probably the most asked question about crossdressing is why we do it? Probably the most popular response is we don’t know. I don’t either but, here are some things to think about that may not explain anything but offer some clarity. My target audience for this page is women and significant others involved with crossdressers in addition to younger crossdressers who are not sure how to identify. The term crossdresser has been fading away because of incorrectly being put under the Transgender Umbrella term. There are distinct differences between crossdressers, transgenders, transsexuals, and DRAG Queens so each should keep their own identity in my view. Much of the information on the page is based on my personal lived experience so the reader can take into consideration others may have had different experiences.
First off I need to identify when crossdressing actually starts based on information given by CHIC Club applicants I interviewed over the years in addition to others I have spoken with. My definition is when the attraction or compulsion started which in most cases is between the ages of 6 and 12 years old. Some of the applicants stated for them it was not until their forties based on their definition of crossdressing. That for them it was the age they were the first time they dressed fully wig, makeup and all which I found to be a small minority. What follows are my thoughts based on my beginning around age 6 long before puberty. One of the problems I have had all my life is the sexual fetish label associated with transvestites and by extension crossdressers. I know in my case and I feel confident that it is the same for most of us that there was no sexual component to my crossdressing at age 6. Also many 80 year old men cannot function sexually but continue to crossdress as long as they are able to get around.
THE EARLY DAYS
In my era with stay at home moms we had far more contact with our mothers than our fathers so I think we had more reason to admire them. In a neighborhood full of other kids and stay at home moms our exposure to women was far greater than men. Our admiration extended to all women including babysitters and women in general.
In those days women dressed much differently than men with a wide range of looks from house dress to all out glamour. The majority of my female teachers wore dresses and high heels daily and never pants. The scent of perfume was also much different than men so women were just far more interesting. They walked much differently in high heels and wore stockings with garter belts so there was a lot going on. Women also stood out because they were the organizers and much more vocal than the men who were the strong silent type for the most part.
So I think in the beginning it is love and admiration of our mothers and the other women we observed along with the fascination of how they presented themselves. That admiration leads to emulation as curiosity of what it would be like to put on her clothes builds over time. Opportunities for 6 year old boys to dress in moms or in some cases sisters clothes are rare. Not a lot of 6 year olds have free time alone to experiment so the urge goes unfulfilled but, never goes away. When the few opportunities present themselves they are brief with some intrigue looking into the mirror enjoying your image and the different feeling of the hosiery and or heels. Then almost as quickly as they went on they come off and get put away.
Those of us who got caught were scolded, shamed and told never to do it again so we didn’t. For a while until the urge got to strong and we carefully planned to do it again in secret. For some men that will be the life long program of hiding it from everyone. I think there is more in some of those public storage lockers than furniture.
MATURING CROSSDRESSERS
During puberty hormones are raging and sex comes to mind much more especially when girls who you just tolerated in the early days take on a whole new look. After that magical summer when they come back to school as young women and you are surrounded by femininity all around you. Many crossdressers say that the urge diminishes during this time but does not fully go away. I don’t know if it diminishes or that other things (girls) take a higher priority.
There is no way anyone could possibly know who was a crossdresser at this point because they take great pains look and act like everyone else. Like any boy they are interested in sports of all kinds with many excelling at them from 1st grade all the way through high school and college. Hobbies like golf, scuba diving, motorcycles, flying, sailing, skiing, hunting, fishing etc. become life long interests. The only thing different with crossdressering men is that they have one additional interest on their mind that people are not aware of.
CROSSDRESSER MARRIAGE
Crossdressers by definition are heterosexual so relationships and eventual marriage come into play for them like any other man but it is more complicated because of the crossdressing. The question of when or if to tell the woman about it looms very large for the crossdresser. Most people I knew in the 60’s and 70’s were having lots of sex and many times very much in love so the urge to crossdress was down the list of priorities. I have heard from some crossdressers that they felt it was just a kid thing and behind them. Therefore it was never disclosed to girls they dated or eventually married. They had no way of knowing that it always comes back at some point down the line creating a huge problem when it does. He did not lie to her he just didn’t mention something which is now more significant than ever. Fear enters the thinking process at this point because he is both afraid of losing her in addition to her telling people if he does and it goes badly. Many careers have been torched by nasty divorces so the fear is warranted. If there are children involved there is even more to consider and the desire to keep the family together.
TELLING HER
I advised the crossdressers I interviewed for CHIC Club membership to tell the wife as soon as possible if they had not already because time does not work in your favor. In the case of older crossdressers many had never heard the term transvestite or crossdresser before so they did not know what to tell her. I never heard any of the terms other than female impersonator which did not fit because they were stage performers. I did not find out about transvestites until I was 21 and already married to my 1st wife. Things were very censored in the last century so many knew what we did but not why or what to call it. You don’t want her to find out on her own and start researching on the internet where she will definitely find wrong information under the Transgender Umbrella.
Depending on the relationship many wives are able to deal with the crossdressing regardless of when they find out with mutually agreed upon limits. They may or may not participate but allowing him his space to indulge makes for a less stressful relationship. I think the number one concern is that he is gay, transgendered or transsexual which is a valid concern for her. I know of a few marriages where the husband identifies and lives as transgender but not any gay or transsexual couples. CHIC Club membership has always been a wives oriented group so I have known many crossdresser long term marriages some over 50 years. Once a wife is confident her man is everything she loved with just one extra thing she is able to deal with it better. All have come to terms with the crossdressing and many participate actively helping their spouse dressing. I think they know at this point that they are not competing with it. Many married crossdressers initial attraction to their wife was based on admiration of their wife’s similar style of dressing. There is also a comradery between the CHIC wives having the same experiences which is comforting.
The other option is not to tell her ever which I don’t advise because we are never as smart as we think and women by nature have a sense about them. WHEN she finds out you probably won’t know right away because many times they notice something but, can’t say exactly what it is. If she finds your clothing she might think you have a fat mistress. This could lead to talking with trusted friends who are sworn to secrecy. They in turn discuss with one friend that they also swear to secrecy that do the same so pretty soon everybody is talking. When any of them search the internet for information they get everything good and bad and form negative opinions. Now instead of informing them about your crossdressing you are explaining all the things that you are not which takes a very convincing argument. Unfortunately I don’t have any success stories about the couples that I have known that experienced this.
ABOUT HIM
If you are still here thanks for staying with me but you still don’t know why we crossdress and neither do I. What I do know is some very good men who crossdress who are honest and loyal husbands with successful careers. They are able to balance careers and crossdressing in different ways. From one weekend a month to a day here and there depending on life demands. None do it full time and in most cases only the wife knows. Business trips and temporary work travel are popular outlets for married crossdressers. Crossdressers are Airline pilots, military officers, plumbers, contractors, insurance salesmen, doctors, lawyers, surgeons, CEO’s, CPA’s, policemen (SWAT), actors, musicians, radio DJ’s and every other occupation you can imagine. I have known quite a few military combat veterans from as far back as WW2. We come in all shapes and sizes skinny, fat, short or tall because its in your mind not your bicep.
If a man has all of the qualities you like in him and maybe one more hopefully you can accept. One advantage of being married to a crossdresser is he understands why you need matching shoes and purses along with favorite shoes in every color. Lots of earrings and if you both have pierced ears your collection will double. Possibly most valuable of all is knowing how long it takes you to get ready along with how much heels hurt.
Most people think they have never met a crossdresser but statistically they have and were never aware. Five out of every 100 men you have met are crossdressers and possibly more but don’t waste your time trying to figure out which ones. We go to great lengths to filter everything we say and do to avoid detection.
I searched AI asking what percentage of heterosexual men crossdress and got the answer below.
I don’t like using the umbrella term Transgender because it links groups together that are distinctly different.
For crossdressers who identify as male gender heterosexuals it is a short term event of hours and possibly a few days.
Transgender people identify as female gender and may adopt dress and mannerisms of females with many living full time in that gender. They may or may not use hormone therapy and surgical modifications.
Transsexuals feel they were born in the wrong body and are female gender women living accordingly utilizing hormone therapy and surgery in many cases.
DRAG Queens are performers who entertain and may identify as either gender. They change back into their normal street attire after their performance. I have never heard of any having surgery or taking hormones.
I hope this page provides some clarity on what crossdressers are all about and again is based on my experiences.